Separating out the Sting
Vibrant golden canary honey hues, effervescent reminders of the endless possibilities for growth that October brings calms and soothes the remnants of a blustery past few days. A client looking deep with-in both himself and his company comes to terms with dramatic changes desperately needed and on the cusp of being embarked on, tries to mask the pain – ‘I know it’s not personal’, he says unconvincingly – analyzing and synthesizing the past and next steps. Decisions forgone like tumble weed grows as momentum brought him to this place. ‘Of course, it’s personal. Your company is your baby and ignoring the pain will numb you to evaluating and acting on better choices moving forward,’ I gently remind him.
As I practice meditation, mindfulness, and listening to what is, a similar emotion which altered my ability to observe, think, and act came to mind. The resolution is an ongoing exercise applicable in varied manifestations, and now another tool in coaching.
Think about a situation where perhaps a loved one gives into a former partner, child, friend and upon hearing of the information, viscerally you feel the impact. Your breathing may be more rapid, you begin to process next moves, you want to step in and redirect. Is this example not resonating with you? Then what if your family is all invited to a dinner, and you have been left out? You hurt, perhaps get angry, you are so consumed in reacting to the emotion, you don’t realize that the situation is distorted, and you are denied an opportunity to see what is, and act accordingly.
Consider the pain, a sting. Name it, see it, feel the heat, and actively choose to separate it from the trigger. In the example of the family dinner and you were not invited - as the aching, or anger, or alternate applicable emotion rises say out loud “THAT HURTS”. Feel the sting, and then look at where it comes from independent of the swelling.
Now you become the observer able to see other perspectives, perhaps realizing it is not about you. If you are out in the field and get stung by a bee, perhaps momentarily you are livid and want to see it die. You then become skeptical about all bees. One third of our global food supply is pollinated by bees, they keep plants and crops alive. Without them we humans wouldn't have very much to eat. Simply put, if bees do not have enough to eat, we won't have enough to eat.
Did the bee specifically want to attack you?
Bees are attracted to bright colors and certain smells. In most cases, they set their sights on flowers. However, they will investigate a human if you resemble a flower. Brightly colored clothing and sticky hands are perfect triggers for busy bees. It’s not about you, the person.
One client heard of a competitor interviewing an employee who was taking steps to ruin the client’s reputation. Once we separated out the emotion, we were able to consider that the competitor was not acting against the client, yet instead making decisions based on their company. Think of the dangers and potential consequences when we react to an emotion and act on a situation based on pain avoidance, rather than seeing the situation for what it is and celebrating the endless possibilities for growth, like the fall with vibrant golden canary honey hues, effervescent reminders of the endless possibilities, moving forward in a calm and soothing way.
Separating out the sting can lead to unrealized potential, all in our hands with practice, being kind to our self and listening to what is, rather than distorting our vision through the veil of vengeful emotion.
“Human behavior flows from three main sources: desire, emotion, and knowledge.”