The Line of Unity
Borders and lines – these words often conjure up dispositions like a division, crevice, ‘us versus them’, or ‘dare you to cross it’ stance.
Shame on us for being so narrow minded.
Rather, what if we envision it as clarity? Here you & I are whole, and in relationship with each other. A boundary of self, an affirmation of mutual respect and honor.
Imagine the possibilities as we repurpose negative perceptions of ‘the line’.
It never ceases to amaze me when the simplest truths appear from multiple sources in succession – until one such interaction hits me like a ton of bricks, an A-ha moment like no other. The simplest of truths, always right in front of our eyes, when we are willing to open them.
I flew to the West Coast for a lovely visit with my son. Redefining ourselves as people, not overshadowed by the roles of mother and son. We danced lighter, seeing each other in a new light: unconditional love, respect, and acceptance. What a fabulous weekend, real conversations.
While sharing his pain, he tries to protect me, “I don’t want to burden you with what I’m going through”
Honoring this sacred moment, I begin:
“We are defining a new path, let’s leave the old family patterns (of enablement and codependence) at the door.
My hands positioned with fingertips touching, thumbs raised toward the sky – like a cattle fence. I then move my right hand and make a circular motion by his chest to emphasize the intent of my words.
“You are you “here”.
“If you choose to share something and I (touching my heart center) “cannot hear it, that's on me to say to you ‘not now!’ “
“Know this… my inability to listen is about me, not you. “
“The other part of this is that I will trust you to take care of your needs. If I start to give you information or share and it is something you do not want to hear, you need to tell me ‘Not now’.”
This boundary line between us is not a division for distance, it is accepting each other for who we are. Respecting, listening, and not taking on another person’s perspective thinking ‘we have to fix it’.
“I know I did this when you were growing up. I now realize it might have made you feel as though I didn’t trust you or have faith that you could handle things. That is not how I felt. I can see how that could make you and your brother feel unsuccessful, or not worthy. I am sorry, it was not my intention. How egomaniacal to think I can control things, ‘play God’.”
‘I don’t want to burden you’ (protecting, not saying what you feel) has varied manifestations, numerous faces – from the personal to the professional.
Retelling this story and drawing parallels to similar circumstances has been awe-inspiring - enriching relationships with the ability to listen and share, without judgement, defensiveness, or anger.
We can connect in a more beautiful meaningful way. Let us transform the line of divisiveness, to the line of unity.
“No legacy is so rich as honesty.”