Resonating with the Discord
Creating her ‘Room of One’s Own’ – a redefinition in retirement, she asked him to do a few repairs as he had done for so many years. He heard and began the ‘project’ which is what it turned into as he synthesized the information, as we all do when we receive input. I heard her too – but with ears outside of their history. She handed me the tool, and I did what she asked. She turned to me and said, ‘but that’s what I told him to do – why didn’t he listen?’
“He can’t hear you” was my reply, so simple, so true, so universal.”
Different people, different place, same scenario. Whether by design in my professional life or by The Gods (Universe, Lord, Higher Power, Nature – insert what ever word allows you to digest the rest of the sentence), listening outside of history, and observing and attempting to squelch out the noise of mapped-out relationship patterns - IS the tool of my trade, and a skill that can be learned, exercised, and strengthened.
Having received an e mail to the meeting, he walked in without hesitation, yet a bit confused as he sat at the head of the conference-room table. To his right was his boss, I was to his left. The cat was out of the bag and his destiny would be decided based on his reaction, and actions. Initially emotive, ‘No one ever listens to me, I’ve spoken to the problems and suggested solutions, but no one cares – how can you not listen to someone who works in the thick of it, that sees it all?’. Funny, but truly not funny - both of them confident that they have spoken to each other and have shared information directly, and with the same intensity, both of them feel the other never listens.
At a Rotary meeting last week, the presenter entertained us and provided tools for memory improvement. Key and of no surprise is tending to, focusing in, and being present. All are obvious and integral components of listening, however let’s dive deeper. We hear based on anchoring, or attaching to memory patterns of life that brought us to this moment. Some of those pathways have created deep fissures that shape what we hear through the lens of emotional attachments and projected outcomes. We ‘hear’ based more on us, than on who we are listening to. Often it is us who get in the way of our ability to understand and / or connect with someone. Sometimes it is connected to that or another person, other times it is connected emotionally to the situation.
I see it at home as Michael and I often need to take precious time to detach the reactive patterns from our uncomfortable rooted familiar pathways. Bold and beautiful, is that we can see it, and speak to it. But what of when you see it, and can’t effect change – or perhaps shouldn’t?
How to resonate with discord is by far my biggest challenge, being a recovering Type A “fixer”. When Sam’s (youngest of our blended family’s 5 adult children) friend asked ‘what exactly does your Mom do?’, he replied “She fixes companies”. Yes, I am a fixer, as is Michael, and as so many of us are. I see the discord, and am often employed to, or invited in, to facilitate the healing. My struggle has been how to re-purpose the incident when it is not my place to intercede. The solution may be simple in words, yet not so in practice.
Try it on, Connect to it, and File it away.
Try the insights on for size, literally imagine you are there, and let yourself connect it to a response or similar circumstance or behavior. It usually feels a bit uncomfortable, because you may not like what you see, but it typically will lead to a better view of your inner self, acceptance and growth.
Next, file it away and use as a tool to understand and diffuse when finding yourself in the thick of conflict, or to use as an analogy when working with others.
To some extent, we all think we are so clear in communicating, and we all think we hear what others are saying. Take a deep breath in and own that perhaps you are not as mindful as you think, that there is always an opportunity for growth, and that rather than putting the responsibility on another - accept that it is you who is responsible for hearing and listening to others.
“The art of conversation lies in listening.” ”