Whether you are invested in a conversation with your spouse, business stakeholder, or cashier at your favorite Wawa, I am increasingly astounded at the absenteeism truly at play.  Even to those of you who respond claiming the ability to recall each word uttered, I contest some are indeed, void of your true engagement.

On more than one recent occasion it has been assumed that my style and advocacy for mindfulness was born of a Buddhist journey.  It is only in the past few weeks that I have sought out recommendations on books, authors, experiences, to get a historical and holistic understanding of why others linked my style to one in tune with these teachings.  As I read, the concept of ‘attachment’ ran parallel to concepts I used in in guiding those seeking growth to become aware of codependency and enablement.

In Buddhist theory, attachment is defined as the inability to practice or embrace detachment.  It is viewed as the main obstacle towards a serene and fulfilled life.   They speak about four main attachments that ‘must’ be eliminated to end suffering. 1. Sense objects 2. Opinions and views 3. Rites and rituals; and 4. Self-hood.

In the simplest of conversations, we tend to listen FROM anchors – nee “attachments” ( in alignment with the Buddhist philosophy) of and to our experiences, often missing the entirety of what another is striving to convey. Loving souls staring into our eyes, or enraged in volume trying, pleading, desperately attempting to get us to hear them, to connect. 

Shame on us. Rather than listening TO them, we are listening FROM our historical impression, stories of righteous or right-ness, robbing them of the peace and respect of being understood.  Understood?  Can we truly understand another having not dwelled in their memory?  Perhaps not however we can visualize, and receive via a sensory impression, and in the mere act of being present, truly connect and accept them for who they are, not what we want to overlay on them to match the stories we tell ourselves, of what is right for us.

I see a woman, desperate to understand why, how, her child has taken a path askew from hers.  What did she do wrong?  She cannot remove herself and the potential impact she had on her child, from her child’s actions.  She cannot listen TO, so consumed with listening FROM, that she is shattered.  The adult child desperately seeking to be heard for who they are, on their own right, from their own experience. Lives crumbling, pain and sorrow bleeding into other relationships, especially the relationship she has with herself. Tragedy in the day to day.

What about you and your relationships?

Step outside of yourself and look at how you engage in conversation.  Are you listening TO or FROM? 

Consider the peace that resonates and ripples in trusting someone else’s journey as that, their journey. 

May we all have the courage to leave our baggage at the door and journey with the beauty and flourishment that is, as we listen TO.